Coffee beans?

My table "centerpiece" is no longer assorted candy the kids always tried to eat when I wasn't looking. Now, it's my trifle filled with coffee beans and fake greens. I like the way coffee beans makes the house smell. It also might possibly be the dumbest thing I've ever done.

We set up for school this morning at the table. Evie had her Mickey coloring book and crayons and a snack. I told Jackson to sit tight while I ran to grab something. I got distracted by something on the computer  instead. When I returned to the table, Evie and Jackson were sitting ON it. Though they were not eating jelly-beans this time (see, I got rid of those), they were throwing individual coffee beans from the centerpiece onto the floor.

It was not my finest moment, to say the least. I might have pitched a tiny (okay, not tiny) fit. I yelled and even pointed my finger and said words like "bad" and "why would you do that?"

Ultimately, I was annoyed at myself because I knew that had I not been distracted, there wouldn't have been 873 coffee beans on the carpeted floor. My kids talk like they are adults, but they are 3 and 1. Of course they would throw coffee beans on the floor. It was probably great fun! I felt terrible for yelling though because even after I did, they willingly helped me pick them up off the floor. Should my kids learn not to climb on the table? Sure, but to yell and be angry? Not exactly the parenting style I strive for.

I carried the heavy weight of guilt the rest of the morning even after getting back on track with school and lunch and my own attitude check.

At naptime, God spoke to me. I'm not called to be a perfect parent - one who never gets angry or yells or mishandles a frustrating situation. I'm called to show my kids the way I found salvation: through Jesus Christ and His bountiful mercy and my own unearned gift of the cross. And so, I apologized to both kids for being angry (not for being frustrated, mind you), and as part of our naptime prayers together, I asked God to forgive me for responding in anger and yelling, and I thanked God for that forgiveness I didn't deserve.

Jackson smiled at me, and I know he got it.

If I simply wanted to teach my kids how to be good, moral people, then modeling carefully perfected behavior would be fine. Andrew and I would never argue in front of the kids, and no one would ever say or do anything unkind. But, that's not my end goal - and I don't think it's realistic, at least not authentically. Of course I want my kids to be good to other people and have high standards for themselves. Character development is an integral part of our curriculum. But, more importantly, I want them to understand that God, who loves them unconditionally for who they are today and every person they will be in the future, sent Jesus to die on the cross for them, for sins past, present, and future. If that's my ultimate goal, then who am I to not see my own failures as an opportunity to show my little loves where grace originates and flows freely?

If my kids see me make mistakes, ask forgiveness of the person I've sinned against and of God, and believe in mercy and grace wholeheartedly, then maybe freaking out about coffee beans on the floor isn't missing the mark quite the way I feared.

Embracing the Number 30!

I know why 30 is a hard birthday. It’s a definitive end to my “youth.” I mean, marriage and kids and life really did that to me slowly and gradually over the course of the last 6 years, but 30 just seems like a bigger deal. Still, choosing to embrace my 30s now, and excited for all the ways God has blessed me and will continue to bless me in the future. J

Here are 30 things about me on my 30^th birthday. You’re welcome.

1. When I smash an ant, I smell my finger. Ants have a distinct smell. You should try it.
2. I could drink milk with anything. I like it with anything sweet, of course, but I will drink it with pizza, much to the chagrin of my husband.
3. I hate cold weather. I don’t like sweaters or scarves or thick socks. Although snow is sometimes fun in very small doses, I much prefer the heat of summer. Warmer weather always improves my mood.
4. I do not do scary movies. At all. The guts and gore aren’t the issue; it’s the never-ending replay that goes on in my head for DAYS after seeing something like Signs. 
5. I have little spatial intelligence. I could get lost in a box, and north/south/east/west directions just irritate me. I also have severe anxiety about not knowing where I am or how to get to where I need to be. Even after living here for more than a year, I still call Andrew to ask how to get somewhere if I’m not 100% sure.
6. Unless I’m baking (and only then b/c I learned why it’s a necessity), I rarely measure ingredients. It’s like my little way of sticking it to the man. Bold, I know.
7. I’m a compulsive email checker. I hate the way unread emails are bolded (they were red at work, which was even worse), so I have to have them un-bolded.  
8. I love sweet iced-tea, but I hate flavored sweet teas – lemon, peach, raspberry. I like flavored hot teas, though.
9. I have a very intense sense of urgency. I don’t like for things that I want/need to get done to take longer than they absolutely have to. I’m not impulsive, but I don’t like for things to drag out…
10. I told Andrew to never buy me flowers or chocolate or a gift for Valentine’s Day. This was not a trap. I don’t mind that others celebrate V-Day, but I’m not into it. I think it’s much more romantic when Andrew knows I’ve had a rough day, and he comes home with my favorite dessert or sends me a sweet text. And sometimes, he does that just because. I love that.
11. I prefer vegetables to fruits.
12. I believe the song lyric that says “Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.” I have so fervently wanted and prayed for some things that never materialized the way I wanted them to. Now I know that God was protecting me from the good to save for me His best.
13. I think the hardest part about growing up is learning that the people you deem heroes and look up to are actually just like the rest of us: sinful humans. It’s not a bad thing and doesn’t make that person any less heroic or worthy of your respect, but it’s a hard realization as you move from childhood to adulthood.
14. I kill more spiders (and kill them with smaller weapons) than my husband. Although, I did plan to kill a squirrel that got into the house and woke me in the middle of the night (by running across my face) with a BB gun. But that was an exception.
15. I always wanted to be a mom, but never knew the depth of my passion for all things motherhood (and what it would ask of me) until Jackson was born. I regret nothing.
16. I’m obsessed with pictures. I treasure photo albums, scrapbooks (though I don’t make them anymore), and my new love is the photo-book. I have very few “decorative” pieces; pictures cover my walls. Also, I have a hard time replacing pictures in frames, so I just buy more frames and put up more pictures.
17. If I had time, I would write a book. I don’t have time.
18. With unlimited money, I would not buy expensive cars or a huge house or brand-name anything. After doing all the responsible things with it (duh), I would make sure my family took regular trips together b/c those are some of the highlights of both my childhood and adulthood. Quality time is so important to me.
19. My favorite food is the old-fashioned hamburger. My favorite hamburger condiment? Mustard and relish (okay, that’s two condiments).
20. I do not like pedicures or foot massages or feet. I find pedicures a necessary evil, at times, but I don’t enjoy them. Long toenails gross me out. Maybe it’s all those years dancing with nasty blisters and such? I know a lot of dancers who love pedicures, so I’m inclined to think it’s just me. I only let Andrew touch my feet when I was swollen pregnant with Jackson. He was instructed to stay far away from my toes. But, I love baby feet. Or maybe just my babies’ feet.
21. I love music and love to sing-along. Tunes get stuck in my head easily, especially kid-show theme songs. That’s not so awesome, but comes with the territory. When I can, I like to sing responses to you, not say them. Using actual song lyrics is a plus.
22. The earliest two memories I have involve my maternal grandfather’s hospitalization and funeral. I can remember sitting on his hospital bed on what I later learned was one of his last good days, and I remember dropping a flower into his grave as the casket lowered while my mom held me. I was three.
23. I didn’t realize a sister could be such a blessing until I became a young adult, and now I can’t wait to give that to my girls.
24. People always ask me if I plan to put my daughters in dance. This is such a loaded question for me because I have had so many positive dance experiences (from great mentors to great friends to fun shows to meaningful memories). Yet, I also realize there can be a very dark side to the dancing world and would never wish that part of it on them. I won’t tell them no, but I won’t force them to try it either.
25.  I have several different laughs. Few people know the difference between the fake ones, the polite ones, and the real ones. Apparently, I’m passing that on to my children.
26. I love the smell coffee, but rarely drink it. I’d rather save my caffeine intake for chocolate and sweet tea.
27. I never learned to play an instrument, but wish I could play the piano or the guitar. Maybe I’ll put that on my bucket list.
28. My very first CD (not tape) was Green Day’s Dookie. Who bought that for me?
29. If I could travel anywhere in the world, I’d go to New Zealand.
30. One of my biggest pet peeves is about the age/year thing. After your baby is born, from the time he first starts to learn how to do all things human all the way up until his first birthday – that is his first year of life. Once he turns one, he begins the second year of life. That means that as I turn 30, I’ve already experienced the 30^th year of my life, and I’m beginning the 31^st year of my life.  You’re welcome for that public service reminder.

This girl.

Cupping my face with both of her little hands, she drops her chin and narrows her eyes. She's done this before, so I prepare myself for her defiance and smile.

"No night-night." She says sweetly. Too sweetly.

She goes "night-night," of course, but only after twenty minutes of the back-and-forth - "It's time to go night-night" as she pinpoints my eyes and nose and ears. "Evie, it's bed-time" as she pushes my hair out of her way and scrunches up her nose disgusted. (I mean, goodness, why does my ponytail have the nerve to drape over my shoulder?) "Lay your head down, baby" as she rears back and sings her song loudly. "Evie, settle down" as she yells for Dada and for Jack-Jack.

She may have most of her dad's personality, but he didn't give her the sassy. I have no idea where that came from.

When I look into the faces of my sweet children, and I see (or hear) my own reflection there. And more of it every day.

Parenting is so humbling... :)

Fighting off the winter blues...with dessert.

I've never liked the cold, but now it has seeped into my bones. I don't know how people live further north than this. The cold is awful. And although snow is pretty (until it starts melting and slushing), with temperatures in the 10s, you can only play out in for so long before everyone is miserable. I miss the days of throwing on flip-flops and running out side. [Long sigh]... On top of that? Both kids have colds so we have quarantined ourselves in the house. I've only left the house twice in one week - both were trips to the grocery store. I might be going crazy.

But today is a heat wave with temps above freezing (finally), and though the cold promises to return, there's a glimmer of hope since the 10-day forecast has highs in the upper 40s sometime next week. If I EVER complain of summer heat again, I'll be shocked.

How do we combat the cabin fever and the sick? We eat a lot of snacks; we read a lot of books; we've had movie marathons; we cuddle in the warmest place in the house (our bed); I've perfected snow ice-cream with homemade chocolate syrup; and I cook. Last night? Andrew enticed me to go to the grocery store for dessert. It wasn't pretty. Limited time Oreos? I'm a sucker for marketing. And also pregnant. But at least Evie enjoyed herself.

Dear Spring,

Please come soon!

Love,
me

#150 - lullaby sing-along

God is currently teaching me a heart and mind of gratitude. It's not a "list all the things you're thankful for today" kind of gratitude, but a practiced, disciplined eye for everyday blessings in the very small things. It's a habit I'm learning to see something as gift from a merciful and perfect God...not just another duty to perform or task to complete.

On days like today when I'm constantly de-snotting noses and wiping away dramatic tears about having goldfish and raisins instead of animal crackers for a snack, I'm grateful for the toddler hands that fisted out cheerios to turn the cereal bowl upside down and drink the milk with big-girl pride. And, I'm grateful for the hand (and face) prints on the glass windows that need to be cleaned (and cleaned again already). I'm grateful for the "I'm so glad you gave me these scissors to practice cutting" during "a great day of school" today.

And most of all, I'm grateful today for the 18-month-old (okay, 19-month-old) sweet voice singing along to her lullaby sleep cd. "How Great Is Our God" sounds beautiful in 4-part harmony with an acoustic guitar, but I dare say it isn't as beautiful as Evie singing it tonight. In spite of the frog-voice (thanks to a cold), hearing a little voice sing about the greatness of our huge God is so humbling and powerful to me. It brought back the equally sweet memories of hearing Jackson sing the same song when he was about Evie's age.

It reminds me of the great responsibility we have as stewards of God's most precious gifts. And, the memory and spirit of that small moment is a huge gift to this Mama.

Jack-Jack and Little Lady

Some of my defining childhood memories revolve around names. My mother was irritable with people who spelled my name wrong or assumed that my full name was some form of Katherine, and I was "Katy-Lane" or "K-K" (which I hate) when she was feeling playful but "Katy ELAINE!" when I was in trouble. In ballet, I was "Katya" to Mr. Peter. He gave me that name when I was maybe 7 and the first baby princess in his ballet The Twelve Dancing Princesses. He never called me anything else. In college, I was "kate-dawg" and then later "k-dawg" by nick-name loving friends. To Andrew, I'm "baby," and to my Little Loves, I'm "Mom," "Mommy," or "Mama" (which is my favorite).

I happen to love nick-names. I believe they usually are (and should be) regarded as terms of endearment. People whose nick-names I remember are special people to me. That's why I'm loving the many nick-names Jackson gives to his sister and now, the one she has for him.

Obviously, "Evie" is a nick-name in and of itself. Evelyn is too serious of a name to call her when she's giggling or toddling. But I call her by her full name when I put her in bed at night. 

When she was first born, she was "Baby Evie" to Jackson. I think he thought this was a way to identify her, or maybe it was because we constantly referred to her as "baby" before we knew for sure that she was a girl (you remember, all the way up to her birth). I joked that we'd be calling her "Baby Evie" when she was twelve. 

"Evie-girl" came from Rachel, I think, but I call her this all the time. 

Then, Jackson began to call her "Little Lady." She quickly responds to this and knows that this is Jackson's special name for her. I think it might have been the first time Jackson showed true interest in her, so she soaks all that up and lights up when she hears him call this name. If he has to apologize to her, it's always, "I'm sorry, Little Lady."

But, when he's mad at her for knocking over (okay, bulldozing through) his well-thought-out race car ramp (made out of books and blocks, all precariously placed), he calls her "Eeeeeeve." In fact, anytime she annoys him or is doing something he doesn't want her to do, she's "Eve." It's hard not to laugh. Maybe he took to heart our Bible lesson on Adam and Eve a few weeks ago?

Jackson himself has several nick-names. He answers to "Bud" or "Buddy," and his Daddy calls him "Stud" (he has since before he was born). Sometimes, I call him "Jack-Jack," which he thinks is silly. Apparently, Evie does, too. While she recognizes that his name is two syllables, she doesn't call him "Jackson." When she bursts into his room in the morning or after nap-time (let's face it: she's always up before he is), she shouts, "Jack-Jack!" with squeals of delight. Sometimes it sounds more like "Yack-Yack," which is equally adorable.

Little Lady sure loves her brother. And, whether he admits it or not, Jack-Jack is pretty smitten with his sister.

And this, as you can imagine, makes my heart happy. 

First tantrums, golf, and saying "thank you"...

It's not my favorite milestone. But, we're all human, right? Little Lady pitched her first full-blown tantrum yesterday. I THINK she was mad at me for not nursing her for the 2nd time in 30 minutes? Maybe it was something else? She didn't want to be held. Instead, she dove for the floor and wailed there, kicking her legs and refusing to look at me. I had to try hard not to laugh. In part, it was funny; but it was also so revealing about her personality. Jackson wants to be held when he's angry. He wants to talk about it and find some sort of reconciliation (even if it's unreasonable). He wants you to know he's mad, and he wants you to know why he's mad. He might look a lot like Andrew, but he's so like me in that respect. Evie? My mini-me, but Just. Like. Her. Daddy. They want to be left alone when they are mad (seldom happens, but watch out when it does). They'll let you know when they are finished (find something to do because it may be a while), but they probably won't want to talk about it even then. Funny how kids make you see your flaws in such real (and sometimes, dramatically unfortunate) ways. 

Jackson and I start preschool at home next week. We're both super excited! :) In addition to his love for cars, monster trucks, and trains, he has also decided to take a huge interest in golf. I know NOTHING about golf...except that the commentators make for good background noise during a Sunday afternoon nap (not that I get to take those anymore - I'm remembering this from my childhood, of course). We've played putt-putt twice now, and he approaches each hole with a strategy. Thanks to Daddy, he now owns a putter, a driver, and an iron. Apparently, an iron is also a chipper? Jackson told me that. We also have golf balls (and other things not originally designed for that purpose) all over the house in "holes." Andrew told him once when to use which club. Now, he spouts off distances to the hole and selects (usually appropriately, I think) the right club to use. I'm blown away by this obsession and his ability to stay interested in it. Golf is expensive, right? You can start donating funds immediately! Are there such things as "golf moms"? :)

I'm loving Evie's new-found love for reading. She prefers books with animals in them, making this adorable giggle for her favorites: dogs, giraffes, elephants, and bears. The best part? She MUST sit in a lap to read. When she toddles over (because she never crawls anymore...) with a book in hand, be prepared to place her in your lap before reading. Otherwise, she shakes her head letting you know that reading a book to her while she's in front of you, beside you, or just near you is unacceptable. I love it. Takes after her brother like that. Keep bringing me those books, Little Loves. 

People often say that your second-born children talk less. That has proven to be completely inaccurate around here. Evie can be and is just as vocal as her brother. She talks all day long, engages in lengthy "conversations" with us, and appropriately uses non-verbals (pointing, head shakes, etc.). My favorite of late? Just last week she said "thank you" for the first time. It sounds a lot like "taaaaan-ooo," which is fabulous. She says it most when I give her food. Girl after my own heart. :) 

Feeling grateful around here...tantrums and all!