So, it's been a while since I blogged. :) Normally, I provide obligatory updates about my family, but today, I'm going to share a little piece of my heart.

After almost a full year with my sweet Jackson, I think I can authentically and honestly talk about the differences in being a "real" mom an not just a step-mom.

Before I had Jackson, only some people saw me as a real mom to my husband's daughter, Payton. I knew other people who are or have a stepmother who had strong feelings about the subject one way or the other. Here's what I think. Payton has a mom. Her name is Ashlee. But I am a mothering figure in her life, and I knew before I got married and feel even more strongly now that while I am not her mother, I do have an important role in her life. A lot of stepmom's get a bad rap, and some of them probably deserve it. And while I'm not "wicked" stepmother, like the ones you see in ALL Disney movies, I'm sure I've had my wicked moments.

Just like I've come to believe that God designed marriage to make us more Christ-like (and not just happy), I believe that motherhood (both my biological and "step" experiences) has in the same way taught me more about God's heart and my own shortcomings and needs than I could have thought possible.

As a biological mom, I've learned more about unconditional love - I believe that a child's love for a parent is not earned, but is freely given, and that's the closest things we'll know to God's perfect love until we're capable of understanding it fully in Heaven. I know the joys and trials of the day to day laughs, milestones, illnesses, and cries at 4am. I share all the big moments with Jackson and love every second of it. I loved Jackson before I knew him, and I feel a bond with him that I don't with anyone else. Every mother knows what I'm talking about...

But I've learned a lot as a stepmom, too. The bond isn't instant and requires a lot more effort. I don't get to decide where Payton goes to school. I don't get to decide which music she's allowed to listen to or the kinds of TV shows she watches. That's very hard, especially when Andrew and I set standards for our own kids that she has to follow when she's with us. I know this is a shock to you (laugh)...but I'm a bit of a control freak. God can't use that, so I will be forever grateful for Payton's presence in my life because her very existence requires that I let go of controlling whatever I possibly can (money, schedules, etc.). I often feel very anxious about this, but I'm growing. AND, I've learned to let go of the need I have to feel loved. I have a very fortunate step-family situation...Payton doesn't remember life before me, and she didn't have to go through a painful divorce where she felt all those feelings of anger, resentment, guilt, etc. My whole family treats her as a "niece" and "granddaughter" and "cousin." Because of all that, we have an easier time than most. But it doesn't mean that I don't hurt when she tells the lady at the cookie counter that I'm not her "real" mom.

It's just different, and I'd be lying if I said that Payton and Jackson were "the same." I adore Payton. I believe she was placed in my life to make me a better person. And I adore Jackson, and know his presence also makes me a better person. Many of the struggles I will endure with Payton are much different than the struggles I will endure with Jackson though. If I'm being totally honest, I'd have to say that loving Jackson is easier, but it doesn't mean I don't love Payton and don't want what's best for her. It doesn't mean that I don't want to protect her from the bad decisions the people in her life make...but I can't always sweep in and save the day like I can with Jackson.

Being a mom isn't easy, but being a stepmom isn't easy either. In fact, I think it's harder. It's an even more thankless job if you can believe that possible. But it has value for all parties involved, and I trust that God has, is, and will use it to for the good of all of us. :)