Play the hand you're dealt.

I never thought breastfeeding wouldn't work perfectly for me. While I can say that I was less educated on breastfeeding than I meant to be (Jackson did come early, see) and I had a setback or two early on (my milk came in late b/c I was induced, and Jackson is what they call a "lazy nurser"), I thought that if we just pushed through, I could make it work.

After two weeks of nursing though, I was about ready to give up because my baby wasn't gaining weight like he needed to be, and I couldn't get him to actually consume enough milk, therefore decreasing my supply. So, I started pumping after he nursed and fed him that in a bottle to make sure he was getting "enough", and I met with a lactation consultant who helped me force him to be more aggressive - which means both of us are more uncomfortable every time I nurse. Both of us became exhausted and frustrated...especially at 3am. In fact, Jackson got to where he would scream while nursing - that's a miserable feeling.

When we went to the doctor this morning, Jackson weighed well over his birth weight...finally! This was great news for us, and it reinforced my desire to continue breastfeeding in some capacity.

So, I'm making my first compromise as a parent...I'm playing the hand I've been dealt (as my dad would say). It's not what I had envisioned and planned for - especially this early, but it works for us. I pump, and Jackson gets 100% breastmilk in a bottle. It saves us time, allows us both to get more sleep, makes us more efficient, and helps both of us retain sanity. And most importantly, Jackson still gets the benefits of breastmilk that my body creates for him.

At first, I believed that anything less than the perfect vision meant I had somehow failed as a mom. I've had to pray against envying friends and family who have such an easy time with it - and I feared their judgement. My resolve is the same as theirs, but I met challenges I didn't forsee and struggled to overcome without putting my little man in a position to go hungry. I'm learning not to see it that way anymore...I'm just playing the hand I've been dealt. I'm making the best of an imperfect situation.

There's a part of me that will miss "real" nursing, sure...but my job as a parent is to make sure that my son gets what he needs. In that sense, it's selfish of me to continue nursing just for a feeling I get or for an appearance I give. I can bond with Jackson and feed him and love him just the same.

I hear that all babies are slightly different and circumstances vary greatly with each new child, so maybe I'll have that "perfection" one day. For now, this is good enough. :)

Jackson gets breastfed exclusively; Mom gets the satisfaction of that without the struggle and time and frustration. We all win in that sense, so I'm happy with it. That took a lot of prayer and a lot support from my family.